The BDSM Enjoyment Guide
People often fear what they don’t necessarily understand and the bad rap of means it is difficult for them to Enjoy BDSM and a lot of curious people might never try it. This guide is for you. Curious minds who are curious about what BDSM means, and how it can help you and help change your sex life.
BDSM isn’t about necessarily physically or mentally hurting each other. There’s many depths and complexities to the world of BDSM that people don’t necessarily understand. The subtle nuances of BDSM is something that a lot of people might not necessarily understand.
What many people don’t realise is that as much as there are fun and games to BDSM. There are actually incredible amounts of communication, negotiation and safety tips for bondage and discipline that goes on behind the scenes.
Beginners BDSM
If you’re new to BDSM and new to the kink world – then there is a valid reason to be curious and cautious.
Going too fast, not communicating well enough and even going too far and being caught up in the moment are all ways in which you can end up hurting each other.
Kink and BDSM is about a slow negotiation and understanding of each other and working towards that. If for example you start a particular activity or type of kink play – then you want to start off slowly in that and then grow from there. Just because you’re into stretching doesn’t mean that you can get an anal stretching toy and jump right onto it!
Remember, that things can take time and that the body needs to be patient to minimise mistakes.
Benefit of Being new to BDSM
A benefit of being new is that there is an entire world of kink and fetishes for you to explore. It’s all new to you, you’ll be able to determine if something appeals to you. If something appeals to your partner and then how to negotiate and work around that.
A classic example of this is when couples are trying to find mutually interesting pornography to watch. Heterosexual couples might decide that straight porn isn’t for them. So they might opt for some lesbian or erotic porn. Or they may go out and get their very first gay xxx film to watch together.
This might be in the form of bisexualism. Or it might be the incredibly popular transsexual porn. Interests will vary across couples.
You might have read our previous article on what is BDSM
And the letters do stand for a variety of different things. If you haven’t already, it might be wise to give the series of articles a read after you’ve read it here.
What we will mention here, without going too in depth, is that BDSM is an umbrella term. It can mean and includes a wide range of erotic and sexual activities that consenting adults will use to explore each other’s sexual fantasies with.
Such fantasies could involve light bondage, sensual spanking, the use of male sex toys. Or it can be as advanced as hard-core kink lifestyles, advanced suspension and total power exchange.
Still curious? Let’s explore our ten step bdsm guide that will help you and your partner explore the wonderful, exciting and mysterious world of bondage.
Top Tips to Enjoy BDSM
1. Exploration Of Your Fantasies, And The Naming Of Your Desires.
All too often people are confused about the difference between fantasies and desire. A fantasy lives in the realm of your imagination. It is an erotic fantasy and it is used to powerfully fuel one’s sexual arousal. People will fantasise to increase their sexual thoughts, processes and to turn themselves on.
There are no limits to a fantasy, and there are certainly no consequences for something that exists in your mind.
A desire on the other hand, is something that you’d like to act out in an act of passion in the bedroom. It’s a strong craving for a real world experience and it’s something that you physically and mentally want to do.
One of the first things that you’ll need to do when you’re thinking about entering into a world of BDSM is to understand and acknowledge the difference.
2. Becoming Clear About The Kind Of Sexual Energy That You Want To Explore And Experience.
Once you have sorted out your desires and your fantasies you should be quite clear and grounded on the types of desires that you’d like to explore. From here you might be inclined to explore some erotic energies.
By erotic energy we mean the energy behind the action and the motivation and the intent that sits behind any act. Take kissing for example. A kiss is never just a kiss. It can be a romantic kiss, a sensual kiss or a rough and urgent kiss depending on the type of erotic energy that you are applying to the kiss.
What kind of Sexual Energy Do You Want?
When you start exploring the kinds of erotic acts that you desire such as restraints, spanking or even domination. It is abundantly clear that you recognise and acknowledge the exact type of sexual energy that you want to experience. Restraints for example can be done in a very light and sensual way. Or you can roughly restrained into submission.
If you simply come out and tell you partner that you want to be handcuffed. Then there’s the chance that they won’t recognise the type of sexual energy that you want them to apply to the act.
Telling them that you want it to be done soft, sensually and in a romantic, loving way will ensure that you get what you want. And that you won’t be left disillusioned.
A common failure of BDSM
Is a lack of communication and telling your partner exactly how you want a particular action. Don’t leave any guesswork. It is through communication, experimentation and negotiation that you will each achieve your desires.
If you want to be restrained and then have a variety of men’s sex toys used on you, then it is necessary to be clear about that. Specificity will ensue that you’re both getting what you want out of a particular activity. Chances are far higher that you will achieve a positive outcome.
3. Explore Desires With Your Partner.
Before you begin exploring your desires with your partner it might be a good idea to enjoy each other’s company and to talk about it.
Go on a date away from distractions and have a talk about what you would like to experience together. Ensure that there’s no distractions, children or TV, and try and make it private.
Speaking with your loved one about wanting to increase the size of your labia is not standard dinner conversation. Make sure to listen to your partner’s needs and desires. And not just drown them with your own desires and place sudden expectations on them.
This will not be conducive to the exploration and may prove to be intimidating to them.
Consider such a conversation to be a part of foreplay.
Ask questions about your partner, their own desires and be prepared to answer their questions open and honestly about what you need and desire. Discuss the desire in detail. Yet not in such a way that will set you or your partner up for unrealistic expectations.
If you can’t be open and honest about your own desires and what you want to happen together. Then you’re probably not ready to experience it. It might be best to wait a little and reapproach it later down the track.
Once you have had such a conversation
You’ll find that it is much easier to understand each other’s desires. And be in a far better position to be able to fulfil them. Without the situation ending in disappointment and resentment from an inability to meet each other’s.
It’s also important to understand each other and be realistic about each other’s desires and expectations. You, or your partner might need to scale back your expectations in order to fit the ability and desire of your partner.
So keep that in mind when you are negotiating.
4. Choosing One Activity And Adventure At A Time.
I get it. You’ve had the conversation. You’re all keen as mustard to get started and explore and have fun. You want to try so many things at once that you end up feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
Stick to one thing at a time.
If you’re interested in exploring restraints, add in a blindfold first and see how you go with that a few times. When you’re comfortable with that, switch to some cuffs. Once you have grown accustomed to using that, add the two together.
Key here is to become accustomed to one thing at a time.
When you first start using adult toys or sexual aides, you’re going to make mistakes. Which is why it’s very important to just incorporate one thing at a time and move on from that in a gradual fashion.
If you’re incorporating many things at one, it can make it difficult to determine what you’re actually into and what you like and dislike. Whilst using restraints, surgical steel penis plugs, and enjoying prostate stimulation all at the same time sounds like a bucket of fun. It doesn’t allow you to learn exactly what you’re into and what you like.
Incorporating each element at a time, will ensure that there is clarity about your desires and your sexual interests. Through introducing each new element slowly you will be adding a new and exciting layer to each session that you play with.
5. Set Boundaries
When exploring the kinky world together it is very important that you’re setting boundaries together. You both need to be aware, and acknowledge what will and what won’t happen during a play session. It will be easier to enjoy sensations and to surrender to the situation at hand when you’re not distracted by thinking about what is going to come next.
You’re going to be trying out the activity of spanking. So you will need to be abundantly clear about what other activities that you are open to during such a sexual activity.
Do you want to be spanked whilst receiving stimulation? Or do you want your hair pulled at the same time? Do you just want to be popped over your partner’s knee and spanked into oblivion?
Once you have set clear boundaries, then you need to stick with them.
If you found that the boundaries were too restrictive, then you can certainly remove some of them for next time. But once boundaries have been set for a specific activity – they need to be stuck to.
No matter what. Failure to adhere to set boundaries erodes trust between the participants.
6. Slow And Steady.
Similar to choosing one adventure at a time, once you have chosen your adventure it’s extremely important to take it slow and steady.
Similar to how one would approach going to the gym. You don’t throw everything into it on the first go or you might just hurt yourself. For those new to BDSM and such activities the temptation will be to dive head first into it. And then wonder where it all went wrong.
Things never work out as to what they do in porn.
It’s important to try and remember that. By building up the intensity of an activity slowly, over several different times you will not only be able to work out if something is working for you. But there is a far less chance of someone getting hurt.
I’ll tell you now, when you’re trying new things for BDSM and different activities there’s going to be stuff ups, mistakes will be made. A carefully planned scenario and activity will be the difference between a mistake ending up in a fit of giggles (great for intimacy by the way). And a mistake which results in someone’s head space being disrupted and needing after care, or medical attention.
If you’re unsure of what a partner is needing in a particular situation. Or something has happened to make you doubt the situation. Then use a numbering system to work where you’re situated at with one being “very gentle”, and ten being “can’t take anymore.”
7. Checking In
One of the most important things about kink scenes is the importance of checking in.
Not only can you check in during the activity. But sometimes the most important thing about sex and sexual activity is what happens before and after sex. When it comes to kink sex and activities, the after care of sex can be deemed as important.
We’ll explore aftercare in another article, so don’t fret on that for now.
Sometimes you might want to check in straight away. Other times you might want to bask in the glow of the activity and ask several hours later, or even the next day.
One of the best questions to ask your partner is “What could we do to make it even better?”
Such an open ended question will allow for some sensational feedback. That you will find very valuable in learning to explore the sexual appetite and desires of your partner.
8. Learn By Watching
When you’re new you can’t rely on learning your groove on the internet, through porn or anything like that.
There’s two ways you will learn.
- First being by doing it yourself.
- Second being through going to a play party, or kink BDSM munch. Through observing other people engaging in this type of play. You’re going to learn new skills in an environment that’s often considered to be comfortable and enlightened.
By observing other people, you’re going to be opening your mind into new possibilities. There might even be multiple activities going on around you. In which case you might be inclined to focus your attention on what’s going on and ultimately learn a lot more about yourself.
There are also BDSM conferences out there which will have demonstrations, and workshops where you can observe and develop new skills in a safe environment.
9. Prepare To Grow
You’ll start off with a simple activity. It might be restraints, it might be a blindfold, it might be something else. You will explore this slowly, and over time it will be guaranteed that you’re going to grow.
You’ll find yourself moving into new activities, and new sexual adventures. It’s important in such play to keep your options open. Just remember to keep it simple and to only explore one thing at a time.
10. Most Importantly, Enjoy The Journey.
BDSM is a long journey. It can be an exciting journey. Sexuality is something that changes throughout our lives. It’s a fluid force and we will interact with it differently as to when we are young, and when we get older.
This is especially true when it comes to long term relationships. Rekindling the flame and being curious.
